another panic attack

another day of fighting the demons alone


my heart breaks a little bit more each time

that i think of a life without you.



i lie in bed with tears streaming down my eyes

whilst my heart bleeds and calls out your name

but i get no answer,

and even if i did

then i wouldn’t reply


i wouldn’t know what to say to the pain in your bloodshot eyes.



i hate that i love to need you 

and my body aches



my soul pleads

to forget this war of us against the world.



we have finally put down our weapons

and stopped trying to heal each others wounds

because we know that we need to focus on our own,

even though we don’t want to.



i pray that you find peace

and i pray that i find peace.



it’s a tragedy 

and i’m sorry that i couldn’t save you

and i’m sorry that you couldn’t save me

from the devil


i want to runaway 

or never wake up again 

because i’m already dead

Thought of the week

Regardless of the pain that you feel, the sun will still rise and set.

The moon and stars will still make their appearance every night and the waves of the ocean will continue to crash. The trees will still sway in time with the breeze and the rain will continue to pour.

Life goes on, whether we like it or not and if we stay consumed in circumstance, we might just miss it.

Getting through heartbreak- the worst part

The ending of a relationship is devastating. Whether you had to walk away from a toxic situation or somebody has walked away from you, it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. As somebody who is currently experiencing these emotions, I want to let you know that you’re not going through this on your own.

I know it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. I know the sick, anxious feeling that randomly comes into your body throughout the day and smacks you round the face so you can’t think of anything else but the way that you’re feeling. I know the pit of the stomach sobbing until you can’t breathe and the anger that takes over your body. I know the constant urge to want to communicate with the other person and the brave face that you have to put on when you’re fighting back the tears. I know it feels like somebody has literally died and that you’re scared of the future.

These feelings are all okay.

Please don’t feel as if you’re being dramatic or that everybody around you is perfectly happy because there are people out there who feel exactly the same as you, and they are getting through it too. Day by day.

There is going to be a way out of this and this isn’t going to last forever. You might not realise it, but just by getting up in the morning and facing the world, you are doing amazing. Know that you will cry. A lot. I literally keep bursting into tears (embarrassing i know), but of course it’s going to hurt- don’t try to fight it. Tears are good for you. They are a release. You will also get angry but don’t let it consume you. Feel the emotion, then let it pass. Don’t try to push it away because it’ll come back 10 times stronger.

Try to distract yourself and keep yourself busy with things that you like doing, but don’t be afraid of having them days or evenings alone. Try to learn to get comfortable with your own company and being by yourself, bit by bit. Have your tears, have your anger (but don’t message your ex because it never helps anything) and give yourself time to grieve the relationship. Make the effort to see your friends and go to events, but only when you’re ready to.

Try not to dwell on ‘what if’s?’ or ‘where did it all go wrong?’, because that doesn’t matter now. What matters now is your wellbeing and your future. YOU matter. You are good enough, you are beautiful and the breakdown of a relationship does not have a reflection on you alone, so don’t be harsh on yourself. Treat yourself with care and don’t try to rush into meeting anybody new. That’s not something you need to think about yet.

Remember not to be afraid to talk about how you’re feeling as well. I know that it can sometimes feel like you might be talking too much about it, or that you don’t even know how to speak about it, but the people who love you will listen to you and communicating will eventually help you feel better. You are not a burden.

The raw first part of a break up is one of the most painful things that you will have to go through, but I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason. Hold your head high, be brave and trust in time healing your wounds.

I want to let you know that you’re doing so well and I’m sending you so much love. Things are going to get better. Hang in there.

2019 is going to be your year!

As another year draws to a close, it’s time to ensure you go into 2019 with a bright and positive mental attitude. I know that it can sometimes feel like you’re stuck in a massive rut that you can’t get out of, but whatever your circumstances were this year, you can make 2019 better.

So, how can you do this?

Reflection – To move forward, you must first reflect. Remember every moment of 2018 that you have laughed, cried, the places that you have been to, the times you have got angry and the times you have danced. Feel every single moment. I know that it can hurt to reflect on painful or negative moments, but it’s also essential to move forward. Pain and happiness are both as important to remember, because everything teaches you something. The key is to acknowledge the painful moments and memories, but not to stay in the feeling. You have to feel the hurt, and then store it away in a safe place to remind you of your strength and character.

Dreams & Goals- Dreams and aspirations are what keep the fire inside of you burning. Grab onto the dreams that you have and use it to keep you driven. You might not be where you thought you’d be right now, whether that be in your career or personal life, but that’s okay. Just remember that you’re not stuck where you are. You can move forward and live your dream if you stay dedicated and keep faith. It will take time though, so accept that it may take longer than what you would like. Start by setting small realistic goals for yourself each week, make a list and stick to them. Once you start to see your progress, it will keep you motivated to keep going. You might have fall backs (i’m sure you did in 2018 too), but don’t give up this time. If you make a mistake or don’t complete a goal, pick yourself back up, brush yourself down and start again the next day.

Making changes-If you don’t like something, then make that change. It can be scary making a change. Sometimes you feel like it can be easier to stay in the routine that you’re in, even if it isn’t making you happy because the unknown can be daunting. This year, be brave. Make decisions that challenge you and help you grow. The first step is the hardest, but once you’ve made that step, everything else becomes easier. If people are mistreating you, don’t allow them to control your life anymore. If there is a part of your life that is making you unhappy, start making plans to get out of that place. You might be scared, but know that you can do it. Believe in yourself and respect yourself enough to make changes that will put a smile on your face.

Love yourself more-No more beating yourself up. You are amazing and you need to start believing that. Once you begin to accept yourself for who you are, you can change the world. Be confident in your skin and treat yourself with the respect that you deserve. Be kinder to yourself and ensure you have some ‘you’ time. You can’t expect to be a good person to others, if you can’t even be good to yourself. 

Maintaining positivity-Optimism opens the key to good mental health. There might be things that happen in 2019 which you don’t expect. Life has a funny way of throwing things at us when we least expect it. Don’t fight it or let it make you live in fear. Just know that you can stay optimistic and be strong through anything that is presented to you. Don’t let anything destroy you this year, even if it feels like the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. Keep your eye on the future and remember that there is so much happiness ahead of you when the world feels like it’s caving in. Everything happens for a reason, so keep your focus on the next good thing. 

No matter what happens this year, you have the power to decide how it affects you. You have the power to change your mental health just by working on the way you view things. It’s the little things that can make a big difference.

Be mindful, be kind, be happy and most importantly this year, be brave.


Thought of the week

The media feeds us a false perception of what we should look like, and if we don’t start becoming strong enough to ignore the pressure then we will destroy ourselves with never feeling good enough. 

The images that you see on social media, on TV, or in the magazine, are not real. 

The images that make you feel shit about yourself and want to change how you look are not real.

We’re all partly to blame. We get sucked into the egotistical world of wanting to look good enough. We want to be approved by others because we can’t approve of ourselves. So we post images that don’t represent who we truly are and we make our insecurities worse by falling into the medias shitty, false, lying, manipulative hands. Fuck filters. Fuck airbrushing. 

And do you know what else isn’t real? that feeling you get when you walk past somebody and you wished you looked like them. That’s a person who feels the same as you. A person who is trying to change themselves because they don’t feel good enough. We’re so quick to hate ourselves and we’re all giving ourselves a hard time so we never have the moment to feel genuinely beautiful.

But IT’S ALL LIES. Our insecurities are telling us lies. 

The sooner we start to realise that we are fucking beautiful and enough exactly as we are, the better.

We can put our heads up and own every bit of skin that we’re in without feeling ashamed. We don’t need to change a thing about ourselves. When are we going to start realising that??

You will get your dream & you will succeed

It’s okay to battle with your dreams and goals. There is nothing wrong with having an authentic, difficult and genuine relationship with what you’re passionate about.

I know that we are always fed the “rags to riches” story.  The “luck” story. The “I had a dream when I was younger and my determination has got me to where I am today” story. But don’t drown in the fairytale story of other peoples success. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to compare our visions to others.

We believe that it should be easy. That we should be in love with our dreams and never give up. Yes, to succeed, we can’t give up, but who said that we can’t have fall backs? Who said that we can’t fall in and out of love with what we want to achieve? That we can’t lose faith in the end goal sometimes?

We would be naive to hear other peoples stories and believe that they have had a smooth and easy process. This is why we need to be more realistic with ourselves and others about what we are doing. We should talk about our struggles. The bad days matter too.

There are times when it feels like it’s easier to just give up on your dream. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there a thousand times before. I know that I have days where I give up on what I love. I feel angry that I haven’t got to where I want to be. I give up on the blog, my writing, my creativity. I give up on myself and everything. I don’t try for months. I feel worthless and not good enough to succeed. And that’s okay and not something i’m ashamed of. I don’t always work as hard as what I should do but that doesn’t mean that I have any less of a dream. It just means that life and darkness gets in the way. 

But then I have the good days. The days where I feel the tingle run through my body when I get an idea and I’m discussing it with somebody else. The rush that I get when I’m creating and doing something that I love, when time just passes by and I don’t even realise. The feeling of fulfilment when I’ve made somebody feel something through my writing or provoked a thought. The emotional expression and feeling of release after a project.

When I’m having a good day, the vision of where I can take my work is unstoppable. The light that beams inside of me is something that can’t be replaced. That’s the passion. The dream.

If you have that spark inside of you, you will make it. No matter how long it takes, you will get there. But know that it’s okay to struggle sometimes. Not everyday is going to feel like a dream. Some days, it might feel like a nightmare. But if you are born to do something, then you will make it. You will find your dream searching for you too, and all of them hard days will be worth it.

Thought of the week

Nothing in life is guaranteed and none of us know what tomorrow might bring, so make the most of every ‘today’.

Smile more and spend time with the people that treat you right.

Love with every single part of your soul with no regrets or doubts.

Stop being so afraid of what could go wrong and dive into every adventure with your eyes wide shut. 

Be brave, be kind and most importantly,

Be happy. 

Dear the page that I write on…

Hello page, my dearly beloved friend. I’ve abandoned you for a while and i’m sorry for that. I know that the pen has dust on it. I can’t remember the last time I picked it up, and for that, I am regretful. 

How have you been?

I’m writing because I have a secret to tell you. My pain and insecurities grab me by the throat sometimes and strangle me until I beg for breath. They torture me and tell me lies. 

They told me that our relationship will never make it. That we can’t speak to each other anymore. And for a while, I listened to them. I listened to the poison that they fed me through every whisper. They made me believe that there was nothing that I could say to you that would make me feel better. That me and you were done. I tried to come back to you so many times because I missed you, but I was convinced that there was no getting past the barrier of meeting with you again. That there was nothing more to be said. But oh, how I was wrong.

I think that i’m beginning to realise that no matter what happens, you run through my bloodstream. I will fight any battle to make sure that I am with you again. You understand me in a way that I don’t even understand myself. You are the mirror that I look into and walk away from regaining strength and wisdom. You are my first love, from the age of 3. You have moulded me into who I am. You have taught me patience, determination, pain, my sense of humour, my imagination, my passions, my likes, my dislikes, my integrity. You remind me that it’s okay to have an opinion and to be who I want to be. That regardless of stigma or stereotypes, it’s okay to be myself.

I can tell you anything.

So I know that I left you. And I can’t promise that i’ll never leave again. But I can promise you that I will always come back… I’ll come back to the window of the warm coffee shop whilst rain trickles on the glass. I’ll come back for the romantic couple that fall in love when their eyes meet and the for the heartbroken. I’ll come back for the mental health thoughts that fill brains with fear and I’ll come back for the grieving. I’ll come back for the elderly who are reminiscing their youth and for the people that don’t quite fit in. I’ll come back for the sunrise and the trees dancing in the wind. I’ll come back for the breeze blowing somebodies hair through an open car window and for the taste of one last kiss. 

I will always greet storylines with grace and decorum and bring them into the centre of your palm, somehow. Because that’s what we do. We make magic and nothing can ever stop that. 

Thought of the week

“When you’re constantly putting other people first, you begin to forget about your own happiness. You forget how it feels to walk outside and feel the fresh air past brush your face. You forget to speak about how you feel because you’re so used to everybody else’s shit and having to be the shoulder to cry on. You listen to what people have to say and you nod politely when deep down you’re drained of it all. Deep down, you want to have a break. And although it feels good to help people now and again, your energy is slowly sucked away from you until you’ve left with nothing.

Don’t be other people’s emotional garbage can.

Notice the difference between people who use you by dumping their emotions on you and the people who care about how you feel too.”