defeated

this never ending mountain that i’m climbing is defeating me.

my eyes are bleeding

my legs are weak 

my blood is cold

and the excruciating pain running through my body

makes me want to jump off

just let go 

and hit the ground 

smack

gone

i cant hold on much longer

i don’t want to do this anymore

my mind aches

it hurts and i’m tired

i just want to jump

smack 

gone

no one can save me

they don’t even know where i am

and they don’t care


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Thought of the week

Pain is inevitable.

We try to escape being in any painful situation, whether it be physically or mentally, because we just don’t know how to cope with it. We will do anything to fight the feeling of being hurt because we are fearful of what it might do to us. Which is normal. Our animalistic instinct is to protect ourselves (that’s what keeps us alive).

Unfortunately, we’re all on an impossible quest to avoid the inevitable.

It’s going to happen sometimes. Whether we like it or not, we are going to feel pain. The more we try to run away from it, the harder it will hit us and the scarier it seems. The more fear we generate from toxic situations, the more the devil wins.

Through these dark dark times that you experience, use love to keep you brave. Use love to remind you that no matter what happens, light always comes out on top. Yes, pain will come and it will try to tear you down. But face it with a brave face and don’t let it win. The devil will not win. No matter what the circumstance, there is always something better beyond.

Broken

another panic attack

another day of fighting the demons alone

and

my heart breaks a little bit more each time

that i think of a life without you.

.

.

i lie in bed with tears streaming down my eyes

whilst my heart bleeds and calls out your name

but i get no answer,

and even if i did

then i wouldn’t reply

because

i wouldn’t know what to say to the pain in your bloodshot eyes.

.

.

i hate that i love to need you 

and my body aches

.

.

my soul pleads

to forget this war of us against the world.

.

.

we have finally put down our weapons

and stopped trying to heal each others wounds

because we know that we need to focus on our own,

even though we don’t want to.

.

.

i pray that you find peace

and i pray that i find peace.

.

.

it’s a tragedy 

and i’m sorry that i couldn’t save you

and i’m sorry that you couldn’t save me

from the devil

so

i want to runaway 

or never wake up again 

because i’m already dead


Thought of the week

Regardless of the pain that you feel, the sun will still rise and set.

The moon and stars will still make their appearance every night and the waves of the ocean will continue to crash. The trees will still sway in time with the breeze and the rain will continue to pour.

Life goes on, whether we like it or not and if we stay consumed in circumstance, we might just miss it.

Dear the page that I write on…

Hello page, my dearly beloved friend. I’ve abandoned you for a while and i’m sorry for that. I know that the pen has dust on it. I can’t remember the last time I picked it up, and for that, I am regretful. 

How have you been?

I’m writing because I have a secret to tell you. My pain and insecurities grab me by the throat sometimes and strangle me until I beg for breath. They torture me and tell me lies. 

They told me that our relationship will never make it. That we can’t speak to each other anymore. And for a while, I listened to them. I listened to the poison that they fed me through every whisper. They made me believe that there was nothing that I could say to you that would make me feel better. That me and you were done. I tried to come back to you so many times because I missed you, but I was convinced that there was no getting past the barrier of meeting with you again. That there was nothing more to be said. But oh, how I was wrong.

I think that i’m beginning to realise that no matter what happens, you run through my bloodstream. I will fight any battle to make sure that I am with you again. You understand me in a way that I don’t even understand myself. You are the mirror that I look into and walk away from regaining strength and wisdom. You are my first love, from the age of 3. You have moulded me into who I am. You have taught me patience, determination, pain, my sense of humour, my imagination, my passions, my likes, my dislikes, my integrity. You remind me that it’s okay to have an opinion and to be who I want to be. That regardless of stigma or stereotypes, it’s okay to be myself.

I can tell you anything.

So I know that I left you. And I can’t promise that i’ll never leave again. But I can promise you that I will always come back… I’ll come back to the window of the warm coffee shop whilst rain trickles on the glass. I’ll come back for the romantic couple that fall in love when their eyes meet and the for the heartbroken. I’ll come back for the mental health thoughts that fill brains with fear and I’ll come back for the grieving. I’ll come back for the elderly who are reminiscing their youth and for the people that don’t quite fit in. I’ll come back for the sunrise and the trees dancing in the wind. I’ll come back for the breeze blowing somebodies hair through an open car window and for the taste of one last kiss. 

I will always greet storylines with grace and decorum and bring them into the centre of your palm, somehow. Because that’s what we do. We make magic and nothing can ever stop that. 

Trapped

when am I going to feel beautiful?
when am I going to look in the mirror and love what I see?

scratch off the spots
pick
pull
flick
pinch
dig
hit
just get them off my face
get them off me

when am I going to feel beautiful?
when am I going to have that radiant smile on my face?

i used to light up a room when I walked inside
and now I get lost, forgotten
sucked into the crowd
doing anything that I can to blend in
unoticed
in handcuffs
a prisoner

i am handcuffed to the pain that I feel
i am locked up in chains
with a collar round my neck

a prisoner of my own mind
frantically searching for a way out

and
no matter how hard I try
I can’t escape the trap
of being a slave to the satanic voice that calls my name

If i could

When you say my name and look at me,
it makes me weak.

I want to dance in the blue of your eyes
and tickle your skin until laughter leaks onto my fingers,
because the sound of your laugh
is a melody that gives me goosebumps every time.

​And
If I could, I would sprinkle your laughter all over the grass outside.
So that each person could hear the rhythm and the movement.
So that each person could hear the beautiful sound of you.

​You are perfection.

And if I could,
I would take the smile from your mouth,
and paint it all over the world
so that others could see how it shines.
So that I wasn’t the only one who was lucky enough to witness it.

And I would erase every single worry in your mind if I could.
So that you could be free
​and fly like a bird
and never have to cry another tear again.
I would make it all go away.

If I could,
​I would tear my heart out and give it to you,
so you could hold my beating heart and feel how much I love you
because words will never be enough.