I got home from work today (my skin felt so oily you could cook an egg on it) and just cried. I’ve been crying all evening, feeling excessive self hate and anxious/depressive thoughts. I just haven’t known what to do with myself, so i’ve got my laptop out to share how I feel. Sometimes, I just wish I had somebody close to me that understood what it’s like to have to go through this. I just wish that there was somebody that I could chat to who genuinely gets it. So, I’m hoping that there will be people like me reading this that feel less alone, even if it’s just for a minute. Acne can be terribly lonely when nobody around you understands the mental health effects that it can have on you but I promise you, I understand.
I want to share some of my insecurities with you to help you realise that you’re not crazy.
I feel like everybody is judging me and that they are just staring at my spots when they’re talking to me. I feel embarrassed, like I’m dirty and unhygienic when I know full well that I am obsessed with cleanliness. I feel like people think I’m ugly and have judged me before they even have spoken to me (even when I have make up on that kind of covers some of it). I always feel ashamed.
I dread the sun coming out and shining on my face when I’m with others because it shows up every dimple, spot and scar on my face. I am constantly trying to avoid anywhere that has bright lights or will expose my skin when somebody is looking at me. I just wish I could always be in the dark.
It feels like people think you’re being dramatic when you say how you feel and they just want to brush you off. It’s frustrating that they don’t realise the depth of the problem and the intensity that comes with it.
I will literally cancel plans or avoid leaving the house sometimes because of my skin. There will be mornings where I wake up and lie in bed dreading having to get up to look in the mirror. I dread the thought of having to put foundation on my face because all I want to do is hide away where nobody can see me. I also certainly don’t want to be fiddling around putting make up on when the spots are sore. It makes me feel like I want to give up and that i’m never going to feel better.
I was supposed to go to the gym after work, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because I feel so ugly. I can’t be bothered to have to cover it up and sweat through make up, knowing that it’s just going to make me break out more. I also can’t bare the thought of going out to places where there are so many beautiful girls, with a face full of red aggressive spots. All I would do is compare myself.
I have to constantly carry make up around with me when I do go anywhere , just incase I’m out and something goes wrong.
The fact that my hormones are all over the place affects the growth of hair on my face which is just another worry and thing to keep on top of. Like the acne isn’t enough.
I have such a fear of not being good enough because of my skin. I just feel like whoever i’m dating will eventually get sick of my insecurities or looking at the spots on my face and find somebody with clearer skin who is beautiful. I feel like if they see another woman whilst they are with me, they will question why they are with me in the first place. I never feel beautiful. Even when somebody is telling me that I am. The constant insecure feeling and comparing myself to other girls gets draining.
Sexual relationships can also be hard. The whole time, it ends up feeling like you’re just second guessing the way that you look and worrying about whether your make up is going to come off rather than just being in the moment.
At times, it feels like it just takes the enjoyment out of absolutely everything in a relationship.
ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
Acne plays a massive part in my anxiety and depression. Having a mental health condition is tough enough, but having acne and adding other insecurities and constant negative/anxious thoughts just makes things really difficult.
Sometimes, I just question if I will ever feel happy or beautiful. I question if the acne will disappear. And although most days I try my hardest to just ignore the acne and fight through, there are moments where I just can’t be bothered to try. I don’t understand why I constantly have to go through so much self hate and self doubt.
I feel guilty for my thoughts when I know that there are people out there who have real health issues to deal with. I feel bad that I can’t just be thankful that I have the rest of my health and I wonder why it affects me in the way that it does.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. THE GOOD NEWS IS that if you have read this post and feel like you can relate to any of these feelings, you’re not on your own. I genuinely believe that beauty comes from within and although the journey of self love gets hard sometimes, don’t give up the fight.
There is somebody out there that you can help feel better just by being yourself.
You are so loved exactly the way that you are.
No matter what, we got this.