For so many years, I craved your approval. I desired your love and time. The things a father should give unconditionally. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s not all been bad. There have been moments with us. But they have always been few and far between. It used to break my heart how our relationship is, but i’m stronger now and i’m thankful for the way that you are.
I have realised that I have constantly been with men who aren’t interested in me because thats what I thought I was worth and what I’ve been used to. But now, I finally know better. I’m letting this go. I know you will never be the role model that I want you to be. I love you because you made me. But it’s like I don’t know you atall. We are worlds apart and thats okay.
I thought of all the things that I wanted to say in this letter but it’s difficult for me to get it out. I don’t want to be angry or bitter or bad mouth anybody. So I want to thank you.
Thank you for the birthdays and dance shows that you missed.
Thank you for the times that you have made me cry because you’ve shouted and sworn at me.
Thank you for always talking to me with aggression.
Thank you for putting me down.
Thank you for manipulating the things that I say and do to make me look like the bad person.
Thank you for forgetting about me.
Thank you for not giving a shit about me.
Thank you for never asking how I am or what I am doing. Unless it’s to make a dig.
Thank you for the times that you have helped me out. But also for the times that you haven’t been there when I needed you.
Thank you for making me feel like our relationship is my fault.
Thank you for breaking up the family.
Thank you for making me feel bad about my emotions and mental health.
Thank you for making me feel inadequate.
Thank you for making me feel like an outsider. And that it’s my fault that I feel that way.
Thank you for any money that you have given me.
Thank you for providing a roof over my head when I was a child.
Thank you for paying for my car.
Thank you for making me feel anxious when I speak to you.
Thank you for not supporting me and backing me in my decisions.
Thank you for always putting me second to others.
Thank you for making me feel like i’m not good enough or interesting enough for anybody.
Thank you for all of the lies that you tell.
Thank you for the very occasional moments where you would be sensitive or silly with me. Thats all I ever wanted. I don’t get them moments atall anymore.
Thank you for not being the man that makes me feel safe or that looks after me.
Thank you for always making me have that voice of doubt in the back of my head- it’s just going to make me fight it more.
You tell me that my life is a mess and yes, it may well be.
But I’m still going.
And one day, there will be a man by my side who makes me feel important and listens to me. He will make me feel safe and love me. And he will deserve it.
You’re the one missing out. You’re the one who should be sad.