Some of the thoughts that have ran through my head the past week have been unexplainable. I didn’t want to live anymore. I was planning out a way to take my own life. Despite this, I know that there is hope because i’m still here writing this post. I know that I am here for a reason, I write for a reason and I am meant to help others. So if you feel like you want to give up and that you have nobody to confide in, I want you to know that I care.
I care. I care about your life and it means something to me. Although you may think that I don’t know you, I do. Anybody who suffers with this toxic illness knows how it feels to be in your position.
I’m not going to dress this up. I know what it’s like to go through pain. To be stuck inside your evil thoughts with no way of escaping. I know how it feels to feel no pleasure and to ache for some sort of happiness or joy in anything. I know you can get angry at who you’ve become and where you are in your life. It’s excruciating wanting to enjoy life and to genuinely feel the fresh air on your face instead of it brushing by you. I hate feeling anxious and ‘weird’. I hate that I can’t find motivation sometimes and stay in bed all day. I hate constantly feeling alone. It makes me think, ‘what’s the fucking point of me being here?’ Excuse my language but I just want to express to you that I know how much of a struggle it is. It’s draining and gets extremely boring but you will get through this.
However, you’re the only one who can make it better.
I want you to know that you are beautiful and you are loved. Even if you think that you aren’t. You can achieve anything that you want to in your life. You can make a difference to somebody else. You are stronger than any bullshit illness that your brain tries to convince you is who you are. This isn’t you. You’re so much more than what you think. You’re here for a reason, your soul has made it here for a reason. Stop telling yourself that it’s over and start using the frustration into something good. Scream inside at yourself. Scream until you have no choice but to push through.
We make a choice every morning. We make a choice if we are going to fight or to give in.
Don’t let your thoughts laugh at you and haunt you anymore. Show yourself that you can win this battle. Let this be the last time that you bow down to the enemy.
Forget all of your worries and burdens. Focus on using these dark thoughts to help others and make a change. Just think, you could save somebody else’s life instead of taking yours. And that’s a beautiful thing. Your life matters so go and kick arse and make yourself proud.
And if you don’t want to make yourself or anybody else proud, then make me proud that I didn’t end mine.