I was going to post regularly on here but I’ve been a bit worried to. I’ve been advised by a few close friends that I shouldn’t express how I feel so much on social media/do videos when i’m feeling anxious or depressed. I completely get where they’re coming from and I know that this advice is coming from a good place and for my own benefit! However, I have really struggled not to express how i’m feeling. I have felt so lost and alone in how i’m feeling. I know that people say that they will be there for you, but it’s not that simple to reach out when you’re in a bad place. Especially if nobody has been trying to make contact with you. I know things could be much worse and that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do all of the time- which is what makes it even more frustrating!
I don’t know if any of you feel like this too, but I feel so trapped sometimes. I feel like if I communicate about how i’m feeling then it comes across as negative, pessimistic and annoying. I feel like people just think to themselves ‘here she goes again.’ People just say to you ‘ don’t worry about it‘ or ‘be more positive and change your thoughts ‘.. like you can just switch off the way that you feel.
And then when I don’t communicate how I feel, it makes me even more insecure, confused and isolated.
My social anxiety gets so bad, to the point that I can just about string a sentence together. The thought of making a conversation or just looking somebody in the eye, makes me feel physically ill. My head and hands will go tingly and I just want to disappear. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that nobody likes me and that it doesn’t matter if i’m here or not. This is something that some people just don’t seem to understand. Social Anxiety Disorder is a real thing. It’s not a joke.
Most nights, I don’t even care if I wake up in the morning. I get so tired of hating myself, the way that I look and who I am. I get tired of feeling alone. I get tired of feeling depressed. And I know that some people will call it selfish. I know that i’m lucky for all of the things that I do have in my life. But for some reason, it’s hard to see that sometimes. The harder you try to be positive, the harder it hurts when you get failed results.
Lately, I’m so nervous to say the wrong thing and for being judged about expressing my feelings that I’m starting to feel like I should just say nothing at all. It’s hard to deal with.
I guess that the point of this post, is to let you know that you’re not the only one who feels this way sometimes. I know the anger and guilt of feeling this way when you know that there are people out there who have it worse. I see you. I understand you and you aren’t alone in this.
Some days are good and some days are bad but never feel like you can’t express yourself.
Keep fighting. Don’t feel guilty on the bad days and cherish the good days.