Dear future husband..

Hello, how are you?
We still haven’t met yet but the last letter I wrote to you was a while ago and I’ve changed a lot since then. I didn’t really know what I wanted from love back then. Or even what I deserved if I’m honest. But here I am. Older, wiser and spiritually much more aware.

Loving a girl like me isn’t easy, I know that. I get grumpy when i’m tired, I cry a lot, I feel emotions way too deeply and I’m certainly not a supermodel. But let me tell you this. I will always be loyal to you. I will be your best friend and biggest supporter. Nobody will love and care for you as much as me. I will put my heart and soul into making you happy if you are honest, loving and trustworthy.

I know I can be cold and go into my shell sometimes. It’s a defence mechanism that I use because I’m petrified of getting hurt. But if you’re patient with me and understand that I want so badly to break through the massive barriers that I have built around myself, we will make it. Please don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you.

I want us to be each others safe haven. I want us to be able to turn to each other and know that everything will be okay because we understand each other in a way that nobody else does. I want to be so in love with you that neither of us notice anybody else.

And please, no lies. Promise me that you will be honest with me no matter what the situation. That’s all I ask. Honesty is everything.

I won’t beg for your love or try to justify the way that I am because I’m more than aware of my faults. I also wouldn’t want you to try and justify who you are either. As long as we are working together to maintain a connection that can’t be broken, i’ll be happy.

I will always put myself first and then you followed closely behind. Not because I have to, but because I want to. And I want you to do the same. I want to build a family with you and a loving home and I truly believe that together we will be unstoppable.

I can’t wait to make memories with you and to be with a person who treats me with as much integrity, love and respect as I treat them. But most importantly, I can’t wait until we finally meet and I place this letter in front of you.

But for now, wherever you may be in your life, I hope that you’re happy and I’ll see you soon when our souls decide to make magic.

To my anxiety..

To my anxiety,

You have been my enemy for such a long time. You have bullied, antagonised and manipulated your way into every single situation that I find myself in. You are disgustingly talented at making me live in constant fear of you.

Why do you do this to me? Do you get a sick kick out of seeing me suffer? Do you enjoy watching me on my knees begging for you to loosen your grip thats wrapped so tightly around my neck? I bet you do.

I’m sick of you laughing at my expense when all I ever do is try and please you. Everything that I do is to try and suit YOUR needs. I consistently put you first. I’m always mindful about what you’re going to think and how you’re going to react. All I do is think about how YOU are going to feel. But what about me? When do you ever put me first?

I try and respect you. I try to be gentle and patient with you and listen to what you want, yet that still doesn’t seem to be good enough for you. You’re just never fucking satisfied unless i’m suffering and begging for breath.

You hate seeing me smile don’t you? You hate it when you see me becoming stronger because you’re a control freak. If you spot any sign of me walking away from you, you dig your claws into me whilst I bleed, pull me back, tie me up and punish me for trying to leave you.

You shout abuse at me, you try to scare me, you take away my power and try to shatter my kind and loving heart. To make things worse, people and situations sometimes prove to me that you’re right to treat me this way. Alongside other peoples actions and your overbearing hounding, I finally started to believe that I’m just not good enough. I started to believe that there was no way out of your grasp and that every day I have to live in fear of the world and the people in it to protect myself.

But here’s the thing. ..

You can try to trick me into thinking that you can protect me but I know that you’re a liar. You can try to hiss negativity into my ears but that doesn’t mean I’m going to believe everything that you’re saying .

You can try to make me crumble on the floor and you can try to ruin every good thing in my life. But now its time for you to listen to me.

Are you listening?

I am better than you and you are not going to win this war.

You can try to knock me down but I promise you that I will keep getting back up.

Uphill battle

Hiya.

I was going to post regularly on here but I’ve been a bit worried to. I’ve been advised by a few close friends that I shouldn’t express how I feel so much on social media/do videos when i’m feeling anxious or depressed. I completely get where they’re coming from and I know that this advice is coming from a good place and for my own benefit! However, I have really struggled not to express how i’m feeling. I have felt so lost and alone in how i’m feeling. I know that people say that they will be there for you, but it’s not that simple to reach out when you’re in a bad place. Especially if nobody has been trying to make contact with you. I know things could be much worse and that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do all of the time- which is what makes it even more frustrating!

I don’t know if any of you feel like this too, but I feel so trapped sometimes. I feel like if I communicate about how i’m feeling then it comes across as negative, pessimistic and annoying. I feel like people just think to themselves ‘here she goes again.’ People just say to you ‘ don’t worry about it‘ or ‘be more positive and change your thoughts ‘.. like you can just switch off the way that you feel.

And then when I don’t communicate how I feel, it makes me even more insecure, confused and isolated.

My social anxiety gets so bad, to the point that I can just about string a sentence together. The thought of making a conversation or just looking somebody in the eye, makes me feel physically ill. My head and hands will go tingly and I just want to disappear. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that nobody likes me and that it doesn’t matter if i’m here or not. This is something that some people just don’t seem to understand. Social Anxiety Disorder is a real thing. It’s not a joke.

Most nights, I don’t even care if I wake up in the morning. I get so tired of hating myself, the way that I look and who I am. I get tired of feeling alone. I get tired of feeling depressed. And I know that some people will call it selfish. I know that i’m lucky for all of the things that I do have in my life. But for some reason, it’s hard to see that sometimes. The harder you try to be positive, the harder it hurts when you get failed results.

Lately, I’m so nervous to say the wrong thing and for being judged about expressing my feelings that I’m starting to feel like I should just say nothing at all. It’s hard to deal with.

I guess that the point of this post, is to let you know that you’re not the only one who feels this way sometimes. I know the anger and guilt of feeling this way when you know that there are people out there who have it worse. I see you. I understand you and you aren’t alone in this.

Some days are good and some days are bad but never feel like you can’t express yourself.

Keep fighting. Don’t feel guilty on the bad days and cherish the good days.

It’s okay.

Learning to live with a mental health condition

Hello beautiful people. I’m back after 5 months away from writing..although it has felt like a lifetime!

This post is to help you. However, I just want to quickly revisit my story for the people that have followed and supported me from the start. Then we can move forward together.

I had a break from this blog because I was extremely low and the content was coming from a negative, self absorbed and confused place. As you can tell, the website theme and design is now basic because i’m no longer paying for it but that doesn’t bother me. The content is the only thing that matters. I did question deleting ‘never alone blog’ all together and starting fresh because I felt slightly embarrassed about it at one stage. BUT.. after reflection, I am proud of everything that I have created and I’m not going to disregard the effort that i’ve put into things. I think it’s the fear of judgement that sometimes holds me back. If I express how i’m feeling and people don’t understand that, it can make me feel inadequate. I felt like a hypocrite if I wrote a post giving advice and then had a bad day myself. Some people would say to me ‘follow your own advice’ and ‘practice what you preach’ and it kind of made me feel like a fake. Or I felt like a loser for going into depth about my feelings etc, when I should just be smiling and pretending everything is always okay. Because to be a positive person, YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE POSITIVE. (not true at all. It’s okay to be human and have a bad day). So, the first 5 months of my journey of self progression and reflection have helped me start to put things into perspective.Now, I hope I can help you feel a little bit better.


Acceptance is the first step to changing your mindset. Accept the way that you are feeling and reflect upon your goals to help you grow and progress. For a long time I tried to remove anxiety, depression and negative thoughts out of my mind completely. I believed that it was something that I could make just disappear. THIS IS WRONG. This would lead to me feeling more frustrated when I would have a bad day because I couldn’t understand why everything wasn’t magically better. Having a mental health condition is something that is long term. However, you can live with it and be in control. The key is to create goals to help you conquer the difficult moments that may occur. Creating goals is the first step to living a more positive, healthy life whilst maintaining a mental health condition . Things to consider when beginning your self progression journey and creating your goals:

  • DO YOU CURRENTLY HAVE COUNSELLING OR USE MEDICATION?
    If no: is this something that you want to consider? How do you find the correct people to speak to? what treatment would work best for you?
    If yes: How does this help you? What are your goals in counselling? Are your goals to stay on medication long term or short term? Are you on the correct medication? Do you want to come off medication and try mindfulness? Is your counsellor right for you? How can you get the most out of your counselling sessions?
  • EMOTIONAL WELLBEING
    What are you struggling with the most? When you feel depressed, anxious or having an episode, what is causing you to feel that way? What is your checklist for improvement?
    It could be: Healing a broken heart? Learning to love yourself? Managing worries and overthinking? Healing negative thoughts? Tackling loneliness? Managing overpowering thoughts and feelings?
  • PRODUCTIVITY/PHYSICAL WELLBEING
    What are your physical goals? Do you exercise? Go for walks? Do you plan to exercise more? Are you going to take up a sport? (Exercise releases endorphins. Nobody ever felt worse for going to the gym.) Do you want to quit smoking/drinking? Do you want to cut down on any bad habits?

    What keeps you busy and what do you enjoy doing that promotes positive health? Writing? Reading? Travelling? What keeps your mind active when you are alone? When do you feel happy/calmest? How can you incorporate this into your every day life more?
  • RELATIONSHIPS/SOCIAL ACTIVITY
    Are the relationships that you have healthy? How can you change toxic relationships in your life? Are you happy with the people that you surround yourself with? Do the people around you care about your wellbeing? Are the places that you go out good for you? Who brings out the best in you? Who brings out the worst in you? How can you create the best possible circle and set of relationships? Are you happy with the activities that you participate in when you are with company? Do you want to do more things or create different types of memories?
  • UNDERSTANDING YOUR CONDITION
    What do you know about your condition? How can you learn more about your feelings to benefit you? What triggers you into having an episode? How can you accept your condition whilst still maintaining a positive attitude? What calms you down? What makes you feel worse? How do you communicate about your condition? Do you feel that you need to communicate more about your feelings? How can you communicate about your feelings without feeling like a burden/guilt?

I just want to let you know that your mental health condition does not define you.

Don’t let this control you anymore. You are in control. You can work with yourself to have the best possible life. Start with reflecting on your goals and thinking about the changes that you can make to move forward.

I know some days feel like a battle and that’s okay. It’s okay to have a bad day/episode. You are not a failure if things don’t always go to plan. You just pick yourself back up and start again each time. It’s not going to be perfect. We might fall down. But we get back up again.

If you always work hard on your goals, you will always be moving forward to a more positive state of wellbeing.

See you soon!

Hello you gorgeous people.

Firstly, I just want to say that if you’ve followed me and my content, thank you so much. I know the numbers aren’t huge, but every message of support that I have ever received, every view and every person that I’ve helped has been the only thing that has kept me going when I have felt hopeless.

Because of this blog, I’ve had some really intimate and special conversations where thoughts and feelings have been shared with people that I probably would never have spoken to before. And I never forget those things. I remember every single person that has been in contact, and I am always wishing you the best.

Also, to those of you who have silently viewed my videos and read my writing, you matter too. Thank you for being consistent and supporting from afar.

And let’s be honest, the only reason I got into a relationship was because I received a message about this blog. And then it ended and shattered me into a million pieces. It’s all so beautifully bitter sweet.

So basically.. for a long time, my content has been coming from a dark and lonely place and I think my relationship breakdown has just pushed me over the edge. I’ve been clinging onto the blog to help pull me through, but it’s not working anymore. I want to keep it real and I want to be true to myself and to you all. Never alone blog is my passion, my creative outlet and my best friend. And I don’t want to say goodbye to it. However, I need to take some time out for a while so I can come back with stronger content that can help you fully.

I don’t know how long the break is going to be, or if i’m going to completely revamp the blog when I get back. But it’s time to fix myself once and for all. Maybe, i’ll get round to finishing the book that i’ve been meaning to write in the mean time! But please keep following the page though, because I promise you that I’ll be back at some point.

I would love to leave you with a never alone sweatshirt. I may also try to sell some other never alone designs on my Facebook page. I just won’t be posting content for a while. This is the sweatshirt and i’m selling for £20. if you want one, just message me.

So yeah.

I will be stronger. I will be better for you and I will always be here to remind you that you are never alone.

But for now, self care is needed.

See you soon!


defeated

this never ending mountain that i’m climbing is defeating me.

my eyes are bleeding

my legs are weak 

my blood is cold

and the excruciating pain running through my body

makes me want to jump off

just let go 

and hit the ground 

smack

gone

i cant hold on much longer

i don’t want to do this anymore

my mind aches

it hurts and i’m tired

i just want to jump

smack 

gone

no one can save me

they don’t even know where i am

and they don’t care


Thought of the week

Pain is inevitable.

We try to escape being in any painful situation, whether it be physically or mentally, because we just don’t know how to cope with it. We will do anything to fight the feeling of being hurt because we are fearful of what it might do to us. Which is normal. Our animalistic instinct is to protect ourselves (that’s what keeps us alive).

Unfortunately, we’re all on an impossible quest to avoid the inevitable.

It’s going to happen sometimes. Whether we like it or not, we are going to feel pain. The more we try to run away from it, the harder it will hit us and the scarier it seems. The more fear we generate from toxic situations, the more the devil wins.

Through these dark dark times that you experience, use love to keep you brave. Use love to remind you that no matter what happens, light always comes out on top. Yes, pain will come and it will try to tear you down. But face it with a brave face and don’t let it win. The devil will not win. No matter what the circumstance, there is always something better beyond.

5 ways to believe in yourself

Acknowledge the good and bad things about yourself to improve. 

We are so quick to notice all of the traits that we don’t like about ourselves, but never the good. It’s important to give yourself a pat on the back from time to time. Mental strength comes from determination that you will fight off negative thoughts, no matter how hard it might seem to do. Don’t keep telling yourself that you’re shit!

Confidence & self growth and progression comes from believing that you can achieve things. So, start applauding yourself and complimenting yourself when you deserve it. Turn that voice down in your mind that tells you everything about you is rubbish. Start thinking: What makes you a good person? What do you like about yourself? What do other people compliment you on? What makes you feel confident? How can I improve by using my positives to help me with my weaknesses?

Use criticism/pain in your life to make you stronger, not weaker. 

Life can be unfair sometimes. Whether it’s people trying to bring you down, or unpredictable situations that cause pain that you just don’t know how to move forward from. Circumstances can affect our confidence when we feel vulnerable or hurt. Don’t take the memories that haunt you and let them consume you negatively. Use them to make you become stronger, and be confident in the idea of believing in yourself and capability. Use your pain in a focused way to drive you to success. Pain can either destroy you or help you grow. You get to make that choice. 

Surround yourself with motivational energy (music, videos, books, television, people).

Positive energy + positive thoughts = positive attraction. The more positivity you surround yourself with, the brighter you will feel in general. Watching motivational videos/films, listening to upbeat music, reading motivational books and so on, will give you boosts throughout the day to remain hopeful in life and therefore, slightly more hopeful with your own abilities. Also, If there are people around you that are supporting you and reminding you that you can do something, you will start to believe in it and yourself a little bit more. Place yourself in the middle of a supportive ‘I can do this’ circle. But remember that you don’t NEED other people. You can do it alone, with a good mindset and determination to feel confident. 

Create a routine that you stick to. 

To believe in yourself, prove to yourself that you can do something that you set your mind to. Create a structure that will help you with your confidence- and stick to it! For example, go to the gym on your set days. Do your studies or work when you are supposed to. Eat healthy foods that you have planned for the week. Create some goals and just do it! Show yourself that even if you have fallbacks, you can still get back up and make yourself proud. Routine is good for the mindset. The more you surprise yourself by delivering results, the more belief you will gain in yourself. 

Don’t crumble when times get tough. 

You might have some bad days that you feel you can’t get back from. Your thoughts might haunt you and whisper to you that you’re not good enough and you can’t do something. But the most important thing is to keep fighting every single day. Keep getting back up, brushing yourself down and trying again. Because as long as you are trying as hard as you possibly can, you should be proud of yourself. And the belief is always deep within you, remember that.


Broken

another panic attack

another day of fighting the demons alone

and

my heart breaks a little bit more each time

that i think of a life without you.

.

.

i lie in bed with tears streaming down my eyes

whilst my heart bleeds and calls out your name

but i get no answer,

and even if i did

then i wouldn’t reply

because

i wouldn’t know what to say to the pain in your bloodshot eyes.

.

.

i hate that i love to need you 

and my body aches

.

.

my soul pleads

to forget this war of us against the world.

.

.

we have finally put down our weapons

and stopped trying to heal each others wounds

because we know that we need to focus on our own,

even though we don’t want to.

.

.

i pray that you find peace

and i pray that i find peace.

.

.

it’s a tragedy 

and i’m sorry that i couldn’t save you

and i’m sorry that you couldn’t save me

from the devil

so

i want to runaway 

or never wake up again 

because i’m already dead


Thought of the week

Regardless of the pain that you feel, the sun will still rise and set.

The moon and stars will still make their appearance every night and the waves of the ocean will continue to crash. The trees will still sway in time with the breeze and the rain will continue to pour.

Life goes on, whether we like it or not and if we stay consumed in circumstance, we might just miss it.